I Don't Know

I don’t know.

A few days ago, I was listening to Ekhart Tolle briefly mention “I don’t know” in his book A New Earth. He said (and I’m paraphrasing) “I don’t know” isn’t confusion.  Confusion occurs when we attach meaning to “I don’t know” such as we SHOULD know, or we NEED to know.  “I don’t know” alone is a statement of being. It just is.

This got me thinking about my attachment to the phrase “I don’t know” and the stories I tell myself around it.  As someone who worked in healthcare for a long time with many of those years in a leadership role, I felt the pressure to know. To be the ‘knower’.   “I don’t know” in healthcare can be scary.  It can create pauses where there should be action (in our typical way of being).

In healthcare we often refer to “best practices”.  This approach to delivering healthcare ensures safety, consistency, predictability, high reliability in relationship to outcomes, etc.  Best practice requires that we have some knowledge of not just what has been done by us, but what has been done by others, and then an assessment of all the ‘doings’ to determine the best way to get it done.  “I don’t know” gets covered by multiple layers of doing and knowing and searching for the best ‘doing’ and ‘knowing’. Then there’s the race to be the one that holds the best knowledge which others turn to as the example to set their best practice standards by.  The question of “did you know…” for a moment holds power over someone. 

Whether you’re a parent, a leader, a trainer, a mentor, or even just a human on the internet these days, there’s so much pressure TO know.  If you’re in an authority role or an “expert” in your field, you’re not only supposed to know, but know the BEST ‘knowing’ there is, not just any random knowledge. Your identity as a human gets wrapped up in the image others create of you based on your knowledge of a subject they wish to seek more understanding. This is a dangerous and slippery slope.  In the age of rapid-fire information, it is easy to be the smartest person in the room one day, and behind the curve the next.  The second you are no longer the keeper of sacred knowledge, there is an identity crisis as we begin to attach our value and worth to not only our status as the ‘knower’ of great things, but to how many others agree with us that this is who we are.

Having knowledge sets you apart, gives you status, people look to you for the ‘knowing’ so they can increase their knowing and thus their status.  I’m not anti-knowledge, quite the opposite, I’m constantly studying and get excited about the new knowing because it opens even more doors of thought and perspectives and angles that I hadn’t seen before.  More colors and textures are added to my life in the knowing. The rub comes when we hit the ‘I don’t know’ and there’s this expectation of knowing.  Now we’re on the spot. What we do at the crossroads of I don’t know shows much of our character.  Do we try new things? Do we rely on prior knowledge, seek out a more knowing knower? At what point does our fear of the unknown which overlaps on top of our fear of failure show up? At what moment in the experience of “I don’t know” does our imposter syndrome kick in?

Oh the rabbit holes this takes us down!  If you’re like me and your relationship to the unknown runs along these same lines, many of these questions will sound familiar as they are the narrative in your head.  They drive the actions you take in the moment of the unknown.  When the panic sets in, and you must do SOMETHING which is better than being frozen in place, in the fear of the unknown.

It’s this precise moment that I get most excited about as a leadership coach, as an equine partner-in-crime, and as a human being on this ball of molten lava and rock hurling through space.   When a client hits the “I don’t know”, what they do next will reveal quite a bit about their relationship with the space that “I don’t know” holds for them.  Some will search for a way through by trying new things, some will freeze in panic, some will withdraw and start the self-flagellation of “should”  and shaming (I should know, I should have done, etc), Some will give up in frustration and defeat, some will search for examples around them in their environment, and others will look for the ‘knower’ with the knowledge to help them move forward.  Rarely, I see the one who stops, contemplates, and RESTS in the “I don’t know”.  This place of rest in the space of “I don’t know” is not celebrated often enough.  Even as a coach, I have to work on my own approach to the struggle I see in my clients.  I want to step in, to rescue them, to show them and be the ‘knower’ to help them get back to a place of clarity and progress.  I am working on this (and many other things 😉).   Now, when someone pauses and looks at me with “I don’t know” I celebrate it with them! (you do what?) Yes, I embrace the moment when they have come up against the edge of their current knowledge.

“I don’t know” is exciting. “I don’t know” holds potential and possibilities. I don’t know is a glimpse into the future. I don’t know exposes the limits of our current knowledge and opens the door for something new.  “I don’t know” IS NOT confusion.  Where we begin to feel suffering, and confusion is in the NEED to know or SHOULD know.  My invitation to you is to stop and celebrate the peace in the space created by “I don’t know”.  There is an acceptance and a faith that rests there before we make the decision to either be comfortable with never knowing, or to seek further knowledge.  Whichever you choose, pause and honor the unknown because if we knew everything there was to know, we would take away so much potential and joy from the experience of being alive.